Choosing Me in 2018.

Today we’re gonna talk about a little bit of a sensitive topic: clothing and the plus-sized girl.

This year (2018), I challenged myself with wearing the clothes I want to wear. I’ve always been afraid of wearing certain things, like crop tops and mini skirts. Afraid of them, but still wanted to wear them. I’ve owned crop tops, but chose to wear high-waisted maxi skirts so my tummy and mid-drift weren’t showing. I was worried about being judged for being fat and wearing something that wasn’t for my “body type.”

I do realize that plus-sized people aren’t the only ones that deal with body image issues, worries, and disorders. I know quite a few women who I consider to have perfect figures, but who struggle with feeling like something is wrong with their bodies.

Having spent all my formidable years as a fat girl, I hated myself for a long time. Hated my body, hated me.

Because I hated my body and how I looked, any attention I received from the opposite sex, I took as a compliment. Even the guy who followed me in a parking lot at my college, in the dark, just to ask me if I “was available,” and then when I told him I wasn’t, he wanted to know if I would be up for just some fun. For a long time, I thought that was so flattering. It wasn’t really until this year when I was telling a guy friend about it, that I realized how bad the situation could’ve been.

This year has been described as the “best worst year.” (AlishaMarie in her podcast Pretty Basic with best friend Remi Cruz, definitely give it a listen if you haven’t yet!) And I have had a lot of struggles this year. In May, I had to have my dog put down, and my relationship of almost 6 years ended. This month, my mom broke her wrist, and just three days later, our cat passed away. Through so much loss this year, it’s crazy to think that I could have anything to be thankful for. 

Luckily, I do.

Even as hard as the break up has been, it’s also allowed me to see a whole new side of myself, and who I could be. I started the YouTube channel, revamped the blog, started getting into photography more, and somehow, grew more confident in myself.

It’s not even that I started liking my body, I just focused more on loving who I am. And a step toward that was by wearing what I had been too scared to wear before. I know that doesn’t seem like anything crazy, but it was a huge step for me. I don’t know if I will ever get to a point where I’m completely happy with my body, but choosing instead to focus on making myself happy, is way more important.

I would rather feel embarrassed today, than regret tomorrow.

That’s as simple as I can put it. I choose to wear what makes me happy, I choose what helps celebrate my personality. Because crop tops make me happy. Because I wore one to a party and a friend told me I looked like a goddess. Because the skirt and the heeled boots make me feel sexy. 

Why should I continue to regret not wearing my favorite pieces of clothing, just because of other peoples’ prejudice?

I choose me, my happiness, and my confidence.

Clothing is just one way in which we can express ourselves as human beings, so I’m going to do that in the best way I can.

I’ve chosen some OotDs I never posted even though I wanted to. Some of my favorite outfits, that I chose to keep off socials so I wouldn’t be judged. But 2019 is coming, and I’m choosing me this year.

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